ASSERTIVENESS

I’m not an assertive person because I don’t want to rock the boat, and I don’t want people to think that I’m using my disability to demand that I have everything like yesterday. I’m not that way, and I will never be that way. However, because I have a disability, I need to be assertive because I need to be seen and taken for an average person, not defined by my disability. I must remember I am the boss in my self-advocacy, but I’m also the boss of three people who help me daily. I also want to be more assertive with medical professionals and, most of all, with myself.  

So, what is assertiveness? It is confident and forceful behavior. Assertiveness is when you stand up for what you want or need, respecting yourself or the people you rely on to tell what you want/need. As a person with a disability, I need to learn to be assertive so people can take me seriously. I have always been a team player. I can be assertive when I’m playing on a team to help get stuff done, but when I need to be assertive for myself. I feel like I can’t because of what is inside me, angry and scared that I’m not sure if I would be able to control myself.

It has taken years to understand myself when it comes to having a disability, but I did teach myself about my disability. Now, I’m comfortable with being a person with a disability. I should be able to teach myself how to be assertive and how to do it in a way that doesn’t make me feel like a crybaby, scared, nervous, or that I’m using my “disability card” to get what I want.

On the other hand, I’m doing myself a disservice by not speaking up for myself, which means I’m not getting my needs met. Due to my disability, I genuinely need to have more assertiveness to be able to keep my independence. I need to have more assertiveness because I’m now a boss, a girlfriend, and my own person; I’m getting older, and my disability is aggravating the aging process. If I can’t speak up for myself, I won’t get what I need.

Others take me for granted and only see my disability. Stereotypes shape their perceptions. Because I need to ask for more than those without disabilities, people who don’t understand think I’m asking for too much. 

Some misconceptions of people with disabilities are based on people they have met in the past or fictional characters (who may not have been well-researched).

Misconceptions:

• We can’t be educated: When I was in school, teachers thought I was wasting space needed for “normal” kids. They didn’t like me eating in the lunch room because I needed to chew with my mouth open. Even though perceptions of disability were evolving, teachers who had been there for a long time and were set in their ways refused to change their perspective. I was forced to live in the past with them. However, I had the same IQ as my classmates and was just as capable of learning. The IQ tests were so outdated that I was forced to do agility tests, which determined my intelligence, so being unable to use my hands quickly labeled me “low IQ.” I wasn’t allowed in gym class in high school. Because there weren’t accommodations for students with disabilities, I was expected to exist in the shadows. I have been forced to prioritize the comfort of others by either being quiet or being the stereotype they want people with disabilities to be.
• We can’t speak for ourselves: When I go to a restaurant, the server will ask my dining partner, “What does she want?” If I see a new doctor, they automatically invite my mom in with me and speak to her rather than me because they think I won’t understand. Because CP impacts my speech and I can’t talk as fast as others, people assume I can’t think fast, either. They think because I am low mobility, I must be low IQ. Someone without a disability can pursue a competitive job or train for a sporting event and be praised for their ambition. But when I try to advocate for myself and be assertive, people think I’m asking for the moon and stars. I just want the same respect and dignity as everyone else.
• We can’t have jobs: Just like when I was in elementary school, there are people who think those of us with physical disabilities aren’t worthy of jobs because we’re taking space away from non-disabled people. But just like everyone else, we have career ambitions. We can be actors (RJ Mitte from Breaking Bad, Jerry Jewell from Facts of Life), comedians (Josh Blue), models (Isabella Neville), Navy Seals (John Quinn) or everyday bus drivers, receptionists, and cashiers. Because CP is so different for each person who has it, we are able to lean into our own strengths. One person with CP may have vocal issues while another can sing. One can use a walker and another can run marathons. We’re members of your community, but only because we’re asserting our right to be there.
• We can’t be independent: The stereotype for people with a disability like CP is that we need someone by our side 27/4, but there are many different levels of independence. Even if we do live with someone, we can still be independent and help ourselves by doing basic tasks like getting dressed or using a bathroom. If we need help doing basic tasks, we can still lessen the workload on our helpers by doing as much as we’re able to. For example, moving from the wheelchair to the bed, or getting partially undressed without help. If a home is accessible, we can cook and do some of the cleaning and bathing ourselves. Many of us live by ourselves, and have PCAs who come in and help us with some tasks to help make our lives easier. Even a non-disabled person will sometimes need help, for example by getting groceries delivered or needing help with babysitting. So we aren’t so different after all.
• We can’t self-advocate: The more we can speak up for ourselves, the more people will understand our disabilities. Speaking up for ourselves brings more education to the community. Being able to self-advocate is something that everyone will have to do eventually, whether they’re disabled or not. I’ve found that taking workshops to bolster my self-esteem and working with a speech therapist have made me more confident, which leads to more assertiveness.

Below is a scenario I’ve written to show how someone can be more assertive, gaining what they need while still maintaining a positive interaction:

Josephine is a student and Mrs. Toni is her aide. Josephine is having a conversation with Mrs. Toni, who would like Josephine to pick up her pen from the floor, go to the front of the class, and put it in the pen jar. Lastly, Mrs. Toni would like Josephine to pack her bookbag because it is ten minutes before the bell rings. Here’s how it goes:

Josephine: Mrs.Toni, can you please pick up my pen?

Mrs.Toni: I can, but why don’t you try?

Josephine is starting to get annoyed. Because she just doesn’t want to do it. Josephine has CP, and even though she can do things for herself, she knows Mrs. Toni can do it faster, and nobody will stare if Mrs. Toni does it.

Josephine: I can’t.

Mrs. Toni: Josephine, I’m here to help you, but I’m not here to do it for you.

Josephine is just getting more upset because she knows she can’t do everything. Picking up the pen is possible, but will take longer than it would for someone like Mrs. Toni. Plus, her classmates might stare at her.

Mrs. Toni: (sternly) You can do it.

Josephine: (Huffs angrily). Fine. I’ll do it.

Josephine picks up the pen, and wobbles like she’s going to fall off the chair. Mrs. Toni helps to keep her steady. With help, Josephine is able to pick up the pen and return it.

Mrs. Toni: See, you could do it. I only had to help you a little. Now, pack up your things.

Josephine packs her bag and the bell rings, and they go to the next class.

Despite your disabilities, there’s always a way to modify the situation to make it possible. Sometimes you need help with every step, and sometimes you only need someone to hold you steady while you do it for yourself. Sometimes, you just need someone cheering from the sidelines with positive affirmations. With assertiveness, you can assess what you need and know how to ask for it.

There will always be people who accuse you of asking for the moon and stars, but it’s better to focus on the ones who take you in good faith and help you. Asking for what you need is always better than being “polite.”