Dear GOD,
Today is the first Sunday of the new year. Last year, I tried to write to you every Sunday to form a relationship with you. Growing up, my parents brought my siblings and me to church. As we got older, they sat down and told us we were old enough to make our choices about religion and you. As my siblings and I got older, we had our feelings about you and religion. I always felt myself questioning if you were real or not because of my disability.
For me, it has always been a struggle to believe in you. As a person with a disability it is as if people with disability gravitate towards you to look for answers on why they have a disability and how you can help them to get better or take the pain away. I just never thought way. I thought if you did exist and if you did have a helping hand in making me and have a helping hand with my complicated birth. There was a reason that you gave me a disability; I may never know why, and life is too important to me to spend my days searching for a reason why I have a disability. Then there are people with disabilities that they feel like they should be devoted to you for some reason.
I’m not going to devote my life to someone I’m not sure is 100% real or that if you had a hand in giving me a disability, then why should I devote my life to so much inflicted pain and challenges? How should I trust anyone who does that to them? It doesn’t mean I’m not curious about you. I will always be interested, but to trust you, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there. It doesn’t mean I don’t want some kind of relationship with you.
However, I’m a big believer in faith. I believe there is someone up there watching over me. I don’t think you can’t watch over everyone. I think you send angels to people to watch over them. Then, if we genuinely need help, you step in. I also believe that I should do most of the work. You or my angel will help me if I need a little courage.
These are some of my questions, so I want to start a series called “Coffee with God.” If I post something like this to my blog, I am just asking for negative thoughts and opinions from people who only have one way of thinking on this subject. It’s not that I’m looking in the light, as people would say, but I am looking for some understanding. Not all people with disabilities are believers in you. Not all people with disabilities feel that they dedicate their lives to you.
I have always had a love/hate relationship because I’m unsure what to think. Returning to how my parents left it up to us to decide, I think they did the right thing. I have seen so many of my friends who have grown up with you present in their lives, and now they are either so narrow-minded one way or the other.
If I ever married and had children, I would do what my parents did: give them the foundation and then let them decide. I never got married and never had children because I thought my disability was essential to take care of; that’s a whole other story that I will on my blog when I’m ready.
While I have been curious about you and have always thought that at some point in life, I would return to trying to get to know you, I had to get to know myself first.
Life can be funny at times because my partner is a religious person. This made me curious about you again. I have been going to church with him on Sundays. It is easy because of the pandemic; church servers can now be live on Steam. Not having to walk into a church makes it easier for me because one of the things about walking into a church is that it feels awkward.
Whether you are close to God or not, what would you say to him if you sat down with God….?
Thank You,
Marie
OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES 