Now that I have discovered what ableism is and how it relates to my life, let us break down what internal ableism is. A person consciously or unconsciously believes in harmful messages they heard about their disability and applies themself.
I can think of internal ableism in two ways. Internal ableism is what people have put upon you, saying you can’t do this or that in life and questioning if you can do something. Then there is the internal ableism you place upon yourself about what you think about the community you belong to.
First, let’s take the internal ableism that people place upon you. My PCA said I was slacking off on my activities and more tired. Then she asked if I could live on my own. When she said this, it upset me. I didn’t want to tell her at the time, but I felt she was ableislizing me and making me think that I wasn’t capable when I had been living on my own for almost three years and the first year and a half was all on my own because of the pandemic.
She watched videos of others with CP and felt like I was not as independent or pushing myself as much as they were. It is hard for anyone to understand that no CPs are alike and that everyone with CP has their limits and internal ways of pushing themselves.
I have been fighting this all my life. For many years, I have internalized these assumptions put upon me about having a disability and cerebral palsy.
At this point in my life, I shouldn’t feel this way or let other people make me feel this way.
Now, to the internal ableism that I placed upon myself.
For many years, I was scared of my disability and socializing with anyone in the cerebral palsy community. If I associated with others in the cerebral palsy community, I might not have internalized my fear of the cerebral palsy community as much as I did.
When I was very young and going for physical therapy at the rehab center, feeling if I went near others with more involved CP than I had, I would somehow catch their CP. Growing up, I had a group of friends with disabilities, and I was okay with them.
As I got older, the internal ableism about myself and CP only grew more aggressive. I was in college, and others with CP would come up to me and want to be friends or ask me on a date; however, I would just run the other way, not wanting to have anything to day with another person with CP. I would make every excuse to say I didn’t want to get to know the person. When the truth was, I wasn’t comfortable with who I was, a person with a disability.
The way I felt about myself and my disability was just getting worse over time. Family and friends would say I should change my outlook on my disability, or else I would not get anywhere.
It wasn’t until I got hit with an unwanted disability. At 35, I ended up with PsA (Psoratic Arthritis). When you are born with a disability such as CP, you hope you don’t have any more challenges with your health, but unfortunately, when you have one disability, it doesn’t stop you from getting other health issues. When I developed PsA, I wasn’t sure where my life was going.
One night, I was at a fork in the road; if I didn’t pick up my life, I would not return from a dark place. Looking at my two disabilities now, I needed to accept one. I knew the PsA would go away at some point, but the CP was, is, and will always be a part of me. That night, I began my journey to discovering who I was with CP.
After many years of internal ableism, my disability I taught myself that just because my disability makes me seen as different, my disability and what people say or think about me shouldn’t stop me from being who I need and want to be.
OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES 