Tag: god

Dear God,

Good Morning, it’s Josephine. Someone told me that if I don’t trust God, being next to God gives me comfort and peace, and having someone listening to me is all that matters. For about the last year, I have been coming to the monastery and sitting, just trying to get used to talking to you. I feel something, but I’m not sure what.

On Sunday mornings, I go to church and get communion, but I still feel like I don’t belong. However, when I come to sit, I feel comfortable with you. I’m still not sure what kind of relationship with you. I even tried to write letters to you while watching church on Sundays to try to understand you better, but I like that by doing that, I’m forcing a relationship on myself that I’m just not ready to have.

I feel I’m in the moment with you when I’m at the monastery. I can let my guard down and honestly converse with you without judgment. When I’m in a church full of people, I feel as if I’m judge. I feel pressure from the church and people in it because I have a disability, and I feel like people think people with disability turn to God because they think that god will heal them from their disability. That’s not who I am, and I will never be who I am.

You wanted me this way for a reason, and you think I can help myself. However, when I need a little push, you’re right there to help me. Many people need you more than I do, but I know you’re there when I truly need you.

God, it’s not you that I have the issue with; it’s the church itself. Because it’s a building, when I’m in, I feel judged. They ask for money that many people don’t have. I feel pressure when I’m in a church. If I walk into a church, I am looking for comfort and judgment or being asked to give money.