Tag: mental-health

Disability

NEW YEAR SAME ME

OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES

It’s a new year, and I’m making annual affirmations for myself. Everyone should re-evaluate once a year. The idea came from my coffee club, which I attend twice a month on Zoom. The group talked about resolutions they didn’t complete last year, and I liked the idea that we still had the opportunity to carry out those resolutions in the new year. We don’t have to give up. There are some things I just need to try again, and some things I need to keep reminding myself. We all have them. 

One of the things I’d like to keep trying is maintaining my daily affirmations. Whether I write them down or just think of them in the shower or during a walk, they’re important reminders that I matter. Here are just a few that work for me and may also help jump-start your own list:

  • I’m enough for myself
  • I believe in myself because I have overcome many obstacles and challenges. I’m proud of this
  • I am worthy of life and love
  • I have enough confidence to refuse to give up on anything
  • I’m brave 
  • I love who I have become 
  • I struggle, but I don’t let my struggles get the best of me 
  • I have learned to be enough for myself, in part by accepting my challenges
  • I know those challenges don’t make me better or worse; they are just a part of me
  • It has taken me years to learn that I believe in myself and realize Disability is just a word, not who we are 
  • I’m an independent person
  • I’m good enough for the people who give me a try, whether it’s family or an acquaintance

These words replay to remind me that I’m just like everyone else. It has taken me a long time to see that just because I have a disability, I’m not less of a person. It can be hard to stay positive, keep yourself focused, and find your worth when you have a disability. 

Many times in life, I lost track of myself temporarily because I didn’t feel like life gave me a fair purpose. For a time, I thought people only saw my disability. Over my lifetime, some people stood behind me and supported me. On the other side, some people weren’t so optimistic about what a young child or young adult should do when she has a disability. Educators told me I was taking up space in their class and for other kids who can learn. They didn’t think I deserved the same education, but if they got to know me, they’d see I had as much potential as my classmates.

So, how did I start to focus myself? First, I had to get those naysayers out of my head and tell myself they would win if I defined myself by their false impression of me. This just gave me my purpose. Whenever someone was a naysayer to me, I gave everything I had to prove them wrong. 

Then, when those people came back around to see that I overcame my obstacles, which they didn’t expect of me, they felt like fools. My purpose has constantly been proving people wrong, but when it came to proving myself wrong, that was a whole different ballpark.

I didn’t know how to tell myself that I was good enough. So, having these affirmations in my head replaces the naysayers. Rather than the snap judgements of others that used to play on a loop in my head, I repeat what I know of myself, which is positive.

If you are like I was, I invite you to practice affirmations of all the positive things in your life. Play them on repeat in your mind. It’s okay, don’t be shy. We all have things to work on and remind ourselves. You don’t have to say them out loud, they can just be for you. After all, we live in our own minds and we deserve for that to be a healthy space.

Disability

THE FRUSTRAD BODY

OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES

I have been figuring out a way to write about this. What I call “the frustrated body” is hard to explain if you don’t live in one. Okay, everyone has a frustrating body at some point, though. Even a person without a disability could be accident-prone, have aches and pains, or find they can’t do everything they want. My mom had a stroke about 16 years ago, and while she was recovering, she would ask me how to get dressed. I would tell her it’s automatic; I just do it. But she had to relearn, which was frustrating for her. I don’t get frustrated that I can’t drive a car, I just know what I can do and focus on that. 

For people born with cerebral palsy or other neurological disorders, having a frustrating body is part of life. We adapt and see it as our everyday routine. Then, some people might acquire neuro-muscular disorders such as MS, Parkinson’s, stroke, and as a result of a TBI (traumatic brain injury). It wasn’t until I started dating my boyfriend that I began to see how living with a disability from birth is so different than acquiring a disability. He still remembers the able body he was born with, but my body is my version of able because it’s all I know.

When someone has a neurological disorder from birth, such as cerebral palsy, as I have, we don’t mourn for a body we used to have. We’re so busy focusing on how to use the body we do have. 

I observe what it is like for others to have an able body, yet in my eyes, my body is able, just a different kind that none understand unless you know what it’s like to be born with a disability. Even then, each person who has been born disabled carries themselves differently. Some will not let their disability get the best of them, while others feel that because they have a disability, they don’t know or can’t see how to live their life with a disability. So they just don’t try.

Therefore, the level of frustration we feel is different because we have a different baseline.

I chose to go beyond my disability. I know it can be challenging to go beyond your limitations, but I was given a life and want to make the most of it while I have a chance. As I get older, my body will be more taken over by my disability. I’ll experience the same age-related conditions that everyone experiences at my age, like arthritis, osteoporosis, and general aches and pains. I may experience these earlier than most. But with CP, there’s no way to predict how much more my body will be impacted, and it may not respond to the same treatments.

My message to those born with disabilities and to those who acquired one and are still grieving the life they once had is that life is still a gift. A body is better than no body, and you can learn to adapt. To those born with disabilities, you can educate those who acquire disabilities. Show them that they can still enjoy life because you’re also enjoying life. A little perspective is an exercise we can all do… along with the medicine we take.

We can focus our minds on the positive. That’s a choice we have each day. There are lots of options, like meditation, journaling, exercise as much as you can, getting fresh air, and working with what you can do.

Disability

Obligatory New Years Resolution Blog

OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES

It’s a new year, and everyone is talking about resolutions. I’m no exception. But with CP, the usual resolutions can be life-saving for us all. It isn’t about fitting into a new dress but about maintaining mobility. It isn’t about being more put together but about having the ability to be there for our families and friends. Most of all, it’s about remaining independent.

Below is my list of personal resolutions. 

  • Resolution 1: To be more fit and healthy so I can be fit to walk to the green in the springtime – fruits and vegetables as snacks – more apples, less chips and sugar. Why I picked this one: When I eat healthy, it helps to reduce the stress on my CP, which makes day-to-day life more comfortable. Then I can focus on living my best life.
  • Resolution 2: Use the journals from my boyfriend John – pink for morning, purple for night because we feel differently at the start and end of each day. Why I picked this one: Being able to write down the positive things in my life gives me gratitude. 
  • Resolution 3: Use a meditation app once a day. Why I picked this one: When I use my meditation app, it relieves the stress of the day, so my body can fully relax after a busy day. That means, I don’t have to take so many pain relievers and can enjoy a good sleep at night.
  • Resolution 4: Use the whole world as a gym! Either go to the Y or walk the apartment hallway for 30 minutes. Why I picked this one: Sometimes I don’t have the transportation to get to the gym, but that’s no excuse not to stay on top of my fitness and health. 
  • Resolution 5: Keep a food journal, not just relying on my WW app. Why I picked this one: Writing items by hand takes more time and makes me reflect on my choices for the day.
  • Resolution 6: Finish writing my book by October 6th. Why I picked this one: October 6th is world CP day, and a big part of my book is about spreading awareness that people with CP are just living their lives like anyone else, and they also want to fall in love, make friends, and have hobbies.
  • Resolution 7: Revive my “healthy is independent” philosophy. Why I picked this one: Making an inspirational philosophy will remind me that I have to stay positive throughout the year. I can’t afford to be too down on myself because it’s bad for my health, and I want to be mentally present for the people I love, including myself.
  • Resolution 8: Write an inspirational thought every week. Why I picked this one: Doing this will help me to stay on task that week, and keep an upbeat attitude. 
  • Resolution 9: Finding ways to be more organized. Why I picked this one: This will help me keep track of things, so I can tackle the mountain of papers on my desk. This will also make my boyfriend very happy.
  • Resolution 10: Mindful spending (no frivolous purchases). Why I picked this one: I need to address my impulse purchasing. I live in a small space, so only buying the essentials will help to keep things tidy, and also enable me to save for the future.
  • Resolution 11: Setting aside at least $50 a month for my future. Why I picked this one: Having a healthy rainy day fund means less time worrying about how I’ll afford the laundry or an Uber for emergencies. It also means a nice vacation in the springtime when the weather is best.
  • Resolution 12: Learning how to be more assertive. Why I picked this one: I’ve always been a people-pleaser, and as the boss of three PCAs, I need to act like more of a boss and advocate for myself. I have a lifelong fear of being too demanding, or fitting the stereotype that I must want everything done for me since I have CP.
  • Resolution 13: Read one book a month. Why I picked this one: Reading relaxes me. A healthy mind is a way to educate myself by reading about new people and experiences.
  • Fix my blog
  • Resolution 14: Bringing a packed lunch from home to save money and stay healthy. Why I picked this one: This will not only save money, but also make it easier for me to eat well. 
  • Resolution 15: Believe in myself more. Why I picked this one: There are days where I feel like I’m not a good boss, partner, or friend. With this attitude, it’s hard for me to have a good connection with the people in my life. By believing in myself more, I can maintain healthy relationships even if I’m having a bad day.
  • Resolution 16: Get up earlier (6-7a.m.). Why I picked this one: When I do have to go out early, it gives me more time to get ready. If I’m not rushing, I have a better day overall.
  • Resolution 17: Try something new once a month. Why I picked this one: I want to broaden my horizons and experience as much life as I can.
  • Resolution 18L Tell my boyfriend one thing I like about him every day. Why I picked this one: I want my partner to know I respect him and love him. He does a lot for me, and I love our life together.

When I was born, my parents adopted a dog for my brother because they weren’t sure if I’d ever be able to come home due to my condition. Back in the 70s, very little was known about CP, so it was unclear if I would live a long life or if I could ever be independent. Many people get stressed about the idea of getting older and a new year starting, but for me, each year is a gift and I want to make the most of it. My resolutions are a way for me to remind myself that life is still going on and that I have the chance to try new things and be a better person each day.

I hope that putting this up on my blog will show people that no matter who we are, we all have our own resolutions to be better. I hope you enjoyed this read, and I hope you have a wonderful 2025!

AWARENESS, CEREBRAL PALSY, CHALLRNGES, DISABILIATIES, Disability, EMPOWER, HEALTH, LIVING MY BEST LIFE, PHYSICAL DISABITY, SELF-AWEARNESS

FORGIVENESS

OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES

Everyone says I have a fantastic story to share about life. When people say I say it’s just what I was given, I had to make the best of the life I was given. However, I want to tell my story, but I have a lot more to learn about life and about myself. During the Pandemic, I started the journey because I was forced to be locked in my apartment. I moved out of my family’s home for the first time and it was six months into a 4-year Pandemic. I could only visit with a small pod of people for the first year and a half, leaving plenty of time for me to become best friends with my computer.

My computer became the best friend I needed, and it didn’t judge me. I would sit at the computer most of the day and write what was on my mind and in my heart. Some of the stuff I would write about was hard to face, while others were fun to remember. The writing was therapeutic for me. I learned to talk about my challenges, even if I was just just talking to my computer.

While talking to the computer, I was able to put different parts of my life into perspective. I saw that being afraid of who I was hindering myself from reaching my full potential. 

A lot of people would expect my life to get harder during the pandemic with such limited help, but instead, it opened me up in many ways, even though I was shut inside. Even though the Pandemic made my challenges even more difficult, it didn’t make them any less beautiful.

Challenges can be beautiful in many ways. It can be hard to see how beautiful challenges can be if you are the one with said challenges. For example, I was living on my own for the first time, and I was managing my own place by myself. Even though I had limited help, I had unlimited creativity. I was able to make my apartment my own style. I could plan my own meals and cook them in my own pots and pans, and do my own laundry. It was challenging, but I grew to love who I was and what I could become.

For the first time in my life, I was able to fall in love the right way by getting closer with a good friend of mine. I used my computer for this, too. This is just one of many ways my computer helped me. I was able to use it to travel all around the world. I got to know what the pandemic was like in different countries.

The challenge of the pandemic was made beautiful by giving me a new way to explore the world online. My world became so much more than I ever thought I could have. While learning about my beautiful challenges during the pandemic, I also saw how to forgive myself. Even though I never showed it, I held it in my mind that my disability would stop me from having the life that I wanted.

During this whole journey, I learned that whether you are born with a disability or acquire one in life, challenges are beautiful. Once I saw myself, I took a turn in life, making me accept who I was. I know how difficult it could be looking past our negativity, but there comes a time when we must look beyond what we see in ourselves, and what other people see in us. Every obstacle we overcome has a purpose and a meaning.

When overcoming a struggle, I don’t see it as anything significant. I just see it as part of life. Whether you were born with a disability or acquired one in life, believe it or not, our challenges are beautiful. It took me a long time to see that in myself. Once I saw that in myself, I took a turn in life, making me accept who I am. I know how difficult it can be to look past our negativity, but there comes a time when we have to start looking beyond what we see in ourselves and what people see in us. Every obstacle we overcome has a purpose and meaning. When overcoming a struggle, I don’t see it as anything significant; I just see it as a part of life. As a kid, I used to fall, then just get up and move on like nothing happened. People used to ask me how I could do that; I would just say it’s a part of life. It’s not that I don’t see my challenges or seek help for them; I just try not to let them get to me. If I try not to let my difficulties get to me, then when people meet and get to know me, they don’t see my disability. They see the person I am, and isn’t that what you want people to see in the long run?

Challenge means: A call to participate in a contest or a competition, especially a duel. When I look at this definition, I think about what I was like in the past. I thought I was competing with my peers.  I realized I wasn’t competing with my peers. I was competing with my disability. By competing with myself, I lost more time than if I just went with the flow and my challenges.  Yet, I would not change a thing.  Whether they were the challenges I was born with or the challenges I added to life, they made me who I am.  

Results may vary based on the life you’re living. Your challenges won’t be identical to mine, but there are ways to make them beautiful. I invite you to look at ways to broaden your horizon even if you don’t or can’t leave the comfort of your own home.

Disability

WHAT IS INTERAL ABLEISM?

OUR BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGES

Now that I have discovered what ableism is and how it relates to my life, let us break down what internal ableism is. A  person consciously or unconsciously believes in harmful messages they heard about their disability and applies themself.

I can think of internal ableism in two ways. Internal ableism is what people have put upon you,  saying you can’t do this or that in life and questioning if you can do something. Then there is the internal ableism you place upon yourself about what you think about the community you belong to.

First, let’s take the internal ableism that people place upon you. My PCA said I was slacking off on my activities and more tired. Then she asked if I could live on my own. When she said this, it upset me. I didn’t want to tell her at the time, but I felt she was ableislizing me and making me think that I wasn’t capable when I had been living on my own for almost three years and the first year and a half was all on my own because of the pandemic. 

She watched videos of others with CP and felt like I was not as independent or pushing myself as much as they were. It is hard for anyone to understand that no CPs are alike and that everyone with CP has their limits and internal ways of pushing themselves. 

I have been fighting this all my life. For many years, I have internalized these assumptions put upon me about having a disability and cerebral palsy.

At this point in my life, I shouldn’t feel this way or let other people make me feel this way.

Now, to the internal ableism that I placed upon myself.

For many years, I was scared of my disability and socializing with anyone in the cerebral palsy community. If I associated with others in the cerebral palsy community, I might not have internalized my fear of the cerebral palsy community as much as I did.

When I was very young and going for physical therapy at the rehab center, feeling if I went near others with more involved CP than I had, I would somehow catch their CP. Growing up, I had a group of friends with disabilities, and I was okay with them.  

As I got older, the internal ableism about myself and CP only grew more aggressive. I was in college, and others with CP would come up to me and want to be friends or ask me on a date; however, I would just run the other way, not wanting to have anything to day with another person with CP. I would make every excuse to say I didn’t want to get to know the person. When the truth was, I wasn’t comfortable with who I was, a person with a disability.

The way I felt about myself and my disability was just getting worse over time. Family and friends would say I should change my outlook on my disability, or else I  would not get anywhere. 

It wasn’t until I got hit with an unwanted disability. At 35, I ended up with PsA (Psoratic Arthritis). When you are born with a disability such as CP, you hope you don’t have any more challenges with your health, but unfortunately, when you have one disability, it doesn’t stop you from getting other health issues. When I developed PsA, I wasn’t sure where my life was going.  

One night,  I was at a fork in the road; if I didn’t pick up my life, I would not return from a dark place.  Looking at my two disabilities now, I needed to accept one. I knew the PsA would go away at some point, but the CP was, is, and will always be a part of me. That night, I began my journey to discovering who I was with CP. 

After many years of internal ableism, my disability I taught myself that just because my disability makes me seen as different, my disability and what people say or think about me shouldn’t stop me from being who I need and want to be.